Life in the 'Rax
by Tanicus Caesareth
Summary: Five heroes. One barracks. Several weeks of downtime. What could possibly go wrong?
1. Rikimaru

_Rikimaru's POV_

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

All I wanted was to avenge the slaughter of my family. Really, that's all I wanted. but I got more than I bargained for, working with these imbeciles. Day in day out, I have to deal with these dorks without blowing a gasket. I don't know how I've managed, because I swear my roommates have gotten me to my very last nerve, and then some. It's maddening, to say the least, especially for someone as refined -in comparison to these pigs- as myself.

Take my bunkmate Strygwyr, for instance. Do you know what he does for a living? He collects blood for these sadistic cannibal gods he affectionately refers to as "The Twins." It's sick. And all throughout the night, whenever the little bloodsucker gets the munchies, I have to listen to him go out, slaughter a creep, take it back to bed with him, and hear him slurping on it for a good 15 minutes before he finally decides to go back to sleep. And then I have to hear him snoring and occasionally scratch his ear with his hind leg like a bloody dog. Fun.

Then there's this guy who sleeps a couple bunks over from mine; I think his name's Morkul Ghan or something like that. I don't remember, all he ever refers to himself as is "Axe." Seriously, I bet this guy has never even HEARD of pronouns. I would correct his grammar, but then again, this guy is at least three times as tall as I am; and his weapon of choice is an axe (who would have guessed?) that's twice as big as my head, horns included.

Oh, and just between you and me, I think he's got a thing for Storm Spirit. Just a hunch.

And Pudge, how could I forget Pudge? What is there really to even say about Pudge? He's fat, smelly, grotesque, and he likes butchery. Oh, and he's our cook. And you know what he makes for dinner every night? Meatloaf. Now, personally, I hate meatloaf. But no, it's not just plain, wholesome, traditional meatloaf, no, it's his signature "Jungle Creep Meatloaf." I bet you can guess what it's made of. He says he doesn't use mud golems in it, but it's hard to tell. Moving on.

The only support in our barracks at the moment is this guy called Necrophos, although it seems like he harms more than he helps. His name's Rotund'Jere, but he calls himself The Pope of Pestilence. Why he has so many names, I don't know, but the last one is probably the most fitting. This guy REEKS of death. Just standing near him makes me feel sick. Plus, he's a notorious killstealer. I want to rip his throat out every time that scythe comes down.

And his beard hair gets EVERYWHERE. In the sink, on my toothbrush, in my bed, in my clothes, even in my meatloaf. Imagine biting into a chunk of Pudge's World-Famous Jungle Creep Meatloaf and finding a chunk of sickly green beard hair crawling down your throat. Because it's happened to me at least ten times before. It's a traumatic experience.

Oh, and you didn't hear it here, but I think he's got the hots for Pudge. Creepy old bastard.

Honestly, I prefer being out in the midst of war than cooped up in the barracks with these wackos. Necrophos says that we're going to be expecting some down time for a while, so I guess that means I'm stuck with them. This is going to be a long couple of weeks. Or months. I'll probably end up stabbing them all to death before then.


	2. Strygwyr

_Strygwyr's POV_

Ah, Bloodseeker is back in his favorite place again: the heart of war, naturally! I spill the blood from its arteries and deliver it to the Flayed Ones, as is my honor here on the battlefield! Ah, just as my wonderful roommate Pudge sees the battlefield as a wonderland, I very much see in it a wonderland of opportunity to feed the Flayed Twins with the blood of my fallen enemies. How good it is to praise the Twins with my allies, as they think very similarly to I! There is blood to be shed, and we must spill it! Ah, yes, it is good to work with such wonderful, determined heroes. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!

Allow me to tell you about myself, yes? I am Strygwyr, the Bloodseeker! I am the Hound of the Flayed Twins, for they blessed me with the swiftness and bloodlust of a wild hound!

Oh, oh, I MUST tell you about my roommates! Such lovely people! Oooh, this is all so very exciting! I must tell you all about them, yes, yes, yes!

First up is my lovely bunkmate Rikimaru. Oh ho ho, where to begin? Such a lovely, lovely, lovely little one, he is! He sleeps on the top bunk of our bed. I used to have the top bunk, but Rikimaru got mad at me for dripping blood through the mattress onto his face while he slept, so we had to switch. Anyways, he's got soft purple fur and the cutest little horns you've ever seen! Oh, oh, and sometimes I look up at night and see his little fluffy tail swishing over the side of the bed. Hehe! He speaks very softly, and sometimes when I am afraid at night, he will talk to me and lull me to sleep with his comforting voice. He tells me to "shut up and go to sleep, it's only a little thunderstorm," and it makes me no longer afraid!

Next is Axe. His name is Morgul Khan, and he is very tall! He is so strong; he can swing his mighty axe around and hold it high above his head! His skin is blood red; his very being honors the Twins! So wonderful! He shouts a lot to motivate us for battle, and sometimes that makes me anxious. But that is ok, because then Rikimaru can calm me down again. Such wonderful friends!

Ah, and Pudge. I believe I mentioned him earlier. Yes, the Butcher very much honors the Twins with his work! Much like myself, he too enjoys the finer delicacies of life. I very much enjoy talking to him, for he tells me very interesting stories about his work in the Fields of Carnage. Yes, how I would love to go there one day with the lovely Pudge! He gives nice hugs whenever I am feeling down, but between you and me, he doesn't smell too good, especially when you've got a nose like mine. But he is still a very lovely friend nonetheless.

Finally, there is Rotund'Jere. We call him Necrophos. The Flayed Ones and are not too fond of him, for he turns our enemy's blood bitter. But I still respect him, for he buys the donkey for our team. Have I ever told you how much I love the donkey? Oh, I love the donkey so very much! Whenever he brings me things, I just have to give him a little pat on the head!

Right, back to the slightly-less-lovely-but-still-lovely-none-the-less Necrophos. He has a beard, and it is very soft! He also has a sharp scythe, but he seldom uses it to please the Twins. Sometimes, we sit together whenever I can't sleep and we tell each other secrets! So much fun! Yes, he is a good friend, although I wish that he wouldn't make the Flayed Ones ill.

Ah, yes; I love my wonderful friends so very dearly. It warms the blood in my heart to see us all working so closely together in the field of battle. But we won't be doing that for a while, Rotund'Jere says. But that is perfectly alright! That means we get to have sleepover for the next few weeks! Haha, this will be so much fun! We will party and stay up late and tell scary stories, but then I will become afraid and Rikimaru will make me feel better with his soft, delicate voice. Oooh, ooh, and then we'll eat snacks and play pranks and do all sorts of fun things! Yes, yes; I cannot wait!


	3. Pudge

_Pudge's PoV_

Crikey! Just when my cleavers are gettin' the itchiest, this happens! Cooped up in the dumb bloody barracks with my dumb bloody teammates. Just wonderful. Won't be getting much fresh meat from now until then; that's a real bummer. Then again, these blokes just might force me to eat 'em up right quick. Paradin' about, shoutin', making so much noise. Now, I love meself the sounds of squealing animals or heroes when I slaughter 'em, I love the gnashing of me teeth when I'm eating 'em up, I love the little swish, swish of me cleaver, I love the clatter of me chains; but nothin', NOTHIN' gets me more riled up than the racket that these blokes make on a daily basis.

Reminds me of these two mongrels, Rikimaru and Strygwyr. Gah, non stop griping day in, day out from the likes of 'em. Well, one-sided griping, anyhow. Riki's always finding something to be mad about. Almost makes me feel bad for Strygwyr; the bloke's nice enough. Gives good hugs. Always happy about everything. Always tellin' me how I'm "pleasing The Twins." I think that's a compliment, I'm not sure. He's got a hefty taste for blood, too. Gives us a lot to talk about. Riki, on the other hand… Well, Riki's a different story.

Riki, Riki, Riki… Where do I begin? I don't like him and he don't like me, plain and simple. He's always gettin' in my way. I'm just tryin' to hook, and then suddenly he dashes in front of the bloody thing and gets reeled in. And then he gripes at me like it was my fault. Then again, he's always got somethin' to complain about. He doesn't even like me signature Jungle Creep Meatloaf. Bloody fruit shop owner.

Then there's Axe, Morgul Khan or whatever. Slaughtered an army so he could become the general. Don't use proper pronouns. Yells about everything under the bloody sun. Always gives me a headache. That's about all I know about him, and that's all I care to know. But, I gotta give him props; he always makes me meat nice n' tender for me. Gah, I'm getting hungry. Gotta get somethin' to eat soon. Maybe a nice satyr haggis, yeah… Moving on.

Ah, yes, Rotund-Jere. The rotted, withered apple of me eye. One of the few people who accepts me for what I am; a fleshy abomination. Ye, I say he's the only one that don't make me loathe me own existence in this bloody barracks. Soft spoken, soft beard, always has the most pleasant smell… He helps me make me Jungle Creep Meatloaf too, that's a plus. He always manages to get his beard hair in it though. I oughta get the bloke a hairnet sometime.

Ye, I guess the chums in the barracks ain't down right awful, but they're enough to make me temples throb. I'll just lock meself in the kitchen until this whole bloody mess is over with so I can keep meself sane. Mmm… Bloody mess… I really gotta get meself somethin' to eat soon. Maybe I can snag Rotund-Jere for a minute; he can help me make some meatloaf. Might as well make the best of the situation.

Then again, me hooking skills might get a little dull, being cooped up in the same bloody place all day. Oh well.


	4. Necrophos

_Rotund-Jere's POV_

Do you have any idea how it feels? Being left in charge of four buffoons for weeks on end? Baby sitting a team of carrys day in and day out? It doesn't feel good. It feels like a winter's illness on a hot summer's day. Sickly, sticky, and downright unpleasant. Then again, I don't mind the sickly part, but the rest I can do without. But, anywho, that's what I've been stuck with for the past few months, ever since I got transferred to this barracks. I tell you, the Dire can never make up their minds about who they want on the field and when. It gets a little maddening at times; I have lots of paperwork, but I get the job done.

Anyways, the nominee (or nominees, I should say) for the most maddening aspect of my job would likely be my teammates. If they aren't on the battlefield killing something every second of the day, it seems that they can't find anything useful to do with themselves. Which is especially unfortunate, since we're going to be stuck in this blasted barracks for quite a long time. I've gotten the goons some little diaries (which are actually just recycled Necronomicons) to write in; hopefully that keeps them entertained, at least for a little while. Got myself one too, figured it might be fun to write in. I guess it helps pass the time. Gives me a place to vent.

Speaking of them, I should probably tell you a bit about the lot of them. Now let's see here… Ah, what the heck, let's start with Riki; why not.

Riki, Riki, Riki… Obnoxious little blister; that one. Do you know what he can do? He can turn invisible. With me being the one that tries to preserve order in the barracks and all, it seems that he likes doing everything in his power to annoy and infuriate the living puss out of me! Brings my boils to a boil…

Like, for instance, just last week, you won't believe what he did. He snuck up on Bloodseeker (Strygwyr, as we call him) and shoved him into a tight little storage closet as a prank of some sort. The funny part is, it backfired and Riki ended up locking himself in there with him.

The un-funny part is, none of us could get it open. Not even Axe. And he's got muscles bigger than my head. In the end, Pudge opened it by rubbing some butter on the hinges (he's a sweetheart, that one,) and we all laughed about it. Well, everyone except Riki and Strygwyr. Moving on.

Anyways, it's a shame that Riki's always picking on Strygwyr; Strygwyr is probably the one that annoys me the least in this place. Well, aside from Pudge; he's always a dear. Anyways, Strygwyr and I enjoy sharing the latest gossip on the battlefield. Always good fun. I think Strygwyr gets a little overenthusiastic about some things, though, and I think that's what Riki dislikes about him. I'm sure they'll put aside their differences someday.

Let's see now… Ah, yes, Axe; almost forgot about him. Like I said, real strong fellow. Always thinks with his axe, not his head. His first solution to most problems is hacking at it. Lots of things end up broken. And then, of course, I have to clean it up. Oh well.

Oh, yes, and Pudge! How could I forget him? Ah, yes, Pudge is a darling. Such a sweet thing. I help him make meatloaf every day in the kitchen. He always ends up making a mess of himself, but in all honesty, it's kind of adorable. He's just perfect!~

Oh… Did I really just write all of that out? Haha, how embarrassing… Let's just pretend that didn't happen.

Anyways, that just about sums up my team. Sure, they can be a pain in the neck, but they're my team; it's my job to support them, no matter how annoying they may be. Who knows, maybe a week of downtime is just what we need to grow stronger as a team…

Then again, probably not. We'll probably just end up driving each other insane. And then I'll be left to pick up the pieces.


End file.
